


Echoes of the heart

by bookl0ver



Series: Prompt Fills [19]
Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Ben Mitchell/Paul Coker, Past Callum "Halfway" Highway/Chris Kennedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-19
Packaged: 2021-03-20 11:47:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30004398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bookl0ver/pseuds/bookl0ver
Summary: Everything is going so well for them. And yet, still, he can't help thinkingwhat if.Callum Highway Week - Day 1 - "I still think about him."
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Series: Prompt Fills [19]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1880095
Comments: 5
Kudos: 37





	Echoes of the heart

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for clicking!
> 
> Warnings: Mentions of death, Paul and Chris mentions, angst, crying, grief.
> 
> Enjoy!

Today was the day, months in the making. Days of stress, arguments and searching had culminated in this. 

They were finally moving into their own house. 

Callum stared at what had been their bedroom, stripped of all the personal affects; clothes, pictures, ornaments. Now the room was full of just their memories, everything else transported to their new home. It was a happy moment but his chest felt heavy as he sat on the bare bed. 

Here he was, moving into a proper house with the man that he loved, his fiancé, their wedding on the horizon. And yet, his gaze caught the one personal item still in the room. 

Rising, he took the box from the back of the wardrobe, not hidden from Ben exactly, he'd known it was there but where he couldn't get it. It had felt wrong somehow, disrespectful to let Ben touch and look at it. He raised the lid and stared down at the contents, tears sending his vision blurry. 

God, Chris. What would he think of him, if he saw him now? There was always a part of him that wandered _what if, what if._ What if he had been brave enough, strong enough to see how Chris felt about him, and admit that he felt the same? Maybe he'd still be alive, maybe he'd be proud, maybe he'd be doing this with him instead. 

Hot guilt twisted his stomach and the tears spilled down his cheeks silently. He loved Ben, he'd never felt anything like it in his life, he never wanted anyone else for the rest of his life. Ben was his one, his soulmate, he knew that. 

Guilt and sadness twirls in him, the tears coming faster and sobs burned his throat as he suppressed them, gaze fixated on the box as he pressed his hands over his mouth. 

The door slamming open made him jump, scrambling upright and shoving the lid back on the box. 

"You fell asleep up here babe?" Ben asked with a grin. "Gonna have a last hurrah before we - " His words died as he took Callum in. Callum looked away in shame, skin crawling. This was a happy day and here he was ruining it. 

"Cal?" 

He didn't look up, rubbing at his face as if that would disappear the evidence of his tears. "Baby, what's wrong?" Ben's gaze drifted to the box and it clicked. "Oh." 

"I'm sorry," Callum forced out, panic in his voice. "I'm sorry, I - I didn't mean to get upset, we-we, I mean I'm happy I swear I am let's just go -" Soft hands cupped his face, tilted him up to look into fiercely loving eyes. 

"You don't have to be sorry Cal. I - I get it." He tapped the metal of his ring against Callum’s skin gently. Callum smiled slightly as Ben guided him back onto the bed, sitting next to him, bodies pressed close. "Wanna talk about it?" 

Callum glanced at Ben and found him sitting passively, looking at him with such fondness his chest tightened all over again, butterflies fluttering in the hurricane of his stomach. 

"I just… I still think about him." 

The admission was quiet, tinged with shame. "But that doesn't mean I'm not happy, I am, I love you so much Ben I-" 

"Shh," Ben whispered against his lips, strong arms pulled him to the crook of Ben's neck. How he always knew what to do Callum didn't know. "Please baby, don't be embarrassed, I get it I do. He was important to you, and always will be. You never forget your first love, believe me." 

Silence fell, both lost in their recollections, the ghosts of men cruelly snatched away, entire other lives they could be living if fate had been kinder.

"Do… do you think about Paul?" Callum eventually broke the silence. 

It had been a long time in the making but Ben didn't tense up at the mention of his name. Instead a fond smile crept over his face, even as he cuddled closer into Callum's side. 

"Yeah, I do. A lot, if I'm honest. I talk to him too, about you, about how I wish he could see me now." Ben sighed wistfully, fingers twisting the band on his finger. The band he would be taking off soon and replacing with another, one that linked him to the beautiful man next to him forever. "I think it's only natural, Cal. And you know I'd never judge you for thinking about Chris, don't you?" 

Callum blushed, ducking his head down. Ben’s face fell and he turned fully to him. "Cal, you know that, right?" 

"Yeah, I do I just…" He sighed, picking up the box again and stroking over it. "Sometimes I think what could have been, if I'd been able to return his feelings how he wanted. Would I be doing this with him? And, but I don't want that, I want you, I love you and our life but these thoughts I can't escape them. I'm so lucky Ben, I've got you and our family and the house and I'm still thinking about him." 

Warmth flooded Ben even as the obvious guilt in Callum’s voice ate at him. "Baby, I understand. You loved him, you'll always love him. Everyone wonders what if. Please don't beat yourself up about it, I know that you love me." 

"And Callum? I love you too. So much." 

The tears filled Callum's eyes again but this time they were paired with a smile as he carefully rose with the box cradled in his arms. Ben followed him to his feet, placing a soft kiss to his lips. 

"Come on Callum, let's go home." 

The butterflies swirled again at the thought of their home and he followed him out, giving a last look at their room, before closing the door on it. 

He would always love Chris, as Ben would always love Paul, but they had somewhere else to be now. They had a future, their future together. And they were going to live it fully.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading!
> 
> Please feel free to leave comments and kudos, they're greatly appreciated!
> 
> Have a great day!


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